i am no ones first choice
it's like everyone gets some satisfaction from picking on me and egging me on
fucking sorry for taking this personally, jokes do get old.
i tell myself im good at bringing myself out of a slump when in reality i'm just pushing away waiting for it to resurface.
i make you think i'm getting better so that you forget and i'm left alone.
i don't have any real friends
everyone's only in it for something
I love you so much, I want to always be there for you but I can't be if you don't tell me things. I bore you with every tiny piss detail of my life and I thought you did the same, but after finding out your sister OD'd and you didn't tell me - makes me feel like a shit friend because I can't be there for you.
I literally love you with all my heart and you are the most important thing in my life and right now I'm stuck and there's nothing I can do about it,
Thanks for telling Tom I was keen on Jordan.
Thanks, Tom, for telling Jordan I like him.
Thanks, Peter and Travis, for coming up to me at lunch and interrogating me.
Thanks, Jordan, for ignoring me everytime we're near each other.
Thanks, Jordan, for making extreme awkward eye contact with me on numerous occasions.
Thanks, to myself, for trusting.
Thanks, to myself, for over thinking absolutely everything.
Thanks, to myself, for being a freak.
- hate myself
- hate everyone around me
At this moment, at 10:40PM (when I originally wrote this - currently copying from hand written journal) the most important people in my life are:
- Callum Crooks
- Georgia Spicer
- Rachael Hughes
The 3 who put up with all my shit, day in and day out. This years been a big year... I let Georgia back into my life - something I swore I'd never do. I told those closest to me thing I swore I'd never tell. I broke at mentor camp. I also broke a promise I'd made Peter Kemp. At the same time, I lost my 2 best friends over reasons I'll never understand.
However, I heard a beautiful story which goes like this: When I was 3 or 4, Mum, Dad, Nan and I met with 16 eye professors to discuss my eye issues. 17 were supposed to attend the conference that day. Every single professor that was there turned me down, said there was nothing they could do to help me. Mum asked to still meet with the one professor that didn't turn up. It was that very professor - Professor Billson who took me on, operated on me and went to be Senior Australia of the year twice for his work and efforts regarding young children and eye sight. If it weren't for Mum not giving up, who knows what my eyes would be like today.
Feelings have been really scary lately this year too. After liking Mav for over a year, Sydney North Dance Festival came along and changed everything instantly. I went into stage crew itching with excitement at the thought of spending 13 hours a day with Mav when after 2 days I fell and tore ligaments in my ankle. Jordan Kiss was first to laugh but also first to ask if I was okay. Upon my return I started to hang around Jordan more and fell head over heels straight away. We were inseparable and all we would do together was laugh, at anything. I was sincerely happy and no surprises, it was only a few days later that I realized he's in the year above at school, how were we supposed to stay friends? Everyone kept saying Facebook, just talk to him on Facebook. Just talk tohim. I found myself literally shaking and sweating even just hovering my mouse over his name. Something inside me literally would no allow myself to do it. It got so bad that Georgie ended up hacking my Facebook and popping up to him. I don't know what it is about him but I'm literally petrified of this feeling, I cannot stop talking about him and thinking of him. It freaks me out. People who were there reckon we were vibing and flirting but lets be real why would any one be keen on me...
So towards the end of the holidays I ended up having a chat to Peter on Facebook after inboxing him a life-or-a-like status I told him I missed being close with him and thanked him for everything he's ever done for me. I told Peter about my recent weight loss and he called me a goddess :') He's someone who I know will just listen to whatever shit I have to say. He said I was cute and adorable and said 'ily' plenty of times.
I'm such a horrible person. Experiences in ones life contribute to the way the act and respond in certain situations. My experiences make me a stubborn bitch who holds grudges and never forgives nor forgets. it's not that I don't know what I've got until its gone - because I do. I just do nothing to hold onto it. As soon as I argue with someone I'm determined to never talk to them again; no matter how minor or major the situation be. This is why I have no friends, as much as I love them at one point in time I can never trust, forgive or for that matter keep them. Just once, I guess it would be nice to have a good friends and have them for ages. Not some spoilt bitch who ditches me for a two faced cunt.
I can never pick right from wrong.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
- Current Location:Australia, New South Wales,Warringah, Belrose